Paintings by Wim Blom

It was Dr. Downe’s wish to share this book with as many people as possible. see page 91.

copyright Durk Hartman Hoekstra

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Dr. William N. Downe M.D. FRCP C

Wim Blom - Long afternoon 1976 - South African National Gallery

The reader might well wonder why this book has been written and who is the author. I have been practicing psychiatry, emphasizing psychotherapy, since 1957. I had varying degrees of success with the skills and approaches learned in training. It was my inability to help one young lady overcome problems with anxiety which wakened me to the need to learn and develop more and better skills. This led to studies in Behaviour Modification, Gestalt, Imagery work and Meditation. From Gestalt I learned to differentiate between the responsibility which I could assume and responsibility which the patient must assume. I applied this and learned that many patients wanted to assume responsibility for their own recovery but did not know what to do! Then I began to pay more attention to the force of habits in our lives - which habits are tripping us up, and how to develop more adaptive and rewarding habits in their place. This is just part of the equation. The other part has to do with unexpressed feelings from earlier life and their place in causing emotional distress. I will not address that topic in this book but will limit the contents of the book to the work on developing new and more adaptive habits. I first put to print what I had learned in 1989. That manual was entitled “Power Living - On Taking Charge with Confidence.” Some people took exception to the use of the term “Power.” Power, in its original sense, means “to use one’s abilities” and that was the purpose of the book. The development of more adaptive habits allows us to make fuller use of our abilities and therefore to mature. With this comes more satisfaction, less frustration and less pain. It seemed a worthwhile goal but a poor choice of word in the title. There is also a very personal side to what I believe will be the final revision. It will bring to me a kind of closure and completeness to the years which I have spent working with others on these habits. And what is my background? I was raised in Ontario in a household which taught fundamentalist Christian and British values. My parents taught me that one of the purposes of being on this earth is to develop our talents - “to make use of our lives!” I was also taught that all humans are valued and loved and are capable of being loving. Along with this I learned about our connectedness to other human beings in what has been described as “the brotherhood of man.” From the British tradition I learned to compete, within the rules, and to try to win. As an adolescent, winning was important for the sake of one’s ego. As we become more adult, we learn that to compete is to challenge ourselves to develop our abilities more fully, while winning or losing becomes secondary to that.

So there was encouragement to develop abilities, to compete within rules, to be aware of our commitment to society and the community. The 2002 World Cup of Soccer has given wonderful evidence of athletes being challenged toto the fullest development of their abilities and then, once the game was over, of respect and genuine affection which competitors have for one another. Both notions of “independence” (I do not need anyone else) and notions of “liberty” (I have the right to freely express myself without concern for others in society) are not only juvenile but quite out of keeping with human nature. And I make this comment in reaction to the emphasis upon these beliefs in today’s world. This is individualism “gone crazy!” I had the privilege of spending some of my growing up years in a mining town where the mixture of races and nationalities gave me an introduction to the wider world. I came to see my prejudices for what they were, and came to see more fully the “common clay” which binds all human beings together. In that mining town I learned the truth of “mean what you say and say what you mean.” And since people faced a good deal of challenge from weather and economics, I became part of a community in which people pulled together to help one another. I experienced cooperation and community. In my preteens I spent the best part of one school year in bed recovering from an infection. During that time I did much reading and had plenty of time for introspection. My habits of reading continued and led me to the writings of an American philosopher of the late 19th century. His name was Elbert Hubbard. One of his quotes comes to mind when speaking of habits and it is “education is simply the encouragement of right habits - the fixing of good habits until they become part of one’s nature and are exercised automatically.” For me this is a very pertinent comment upon the basic emphasis on developing habits which allow us to make a better adaptation with fuller use of our abilities. It is a comment on the importance of repetition and practice to integrate habits into our nature. What is the importance of habit? A habit requires less energy to perform an action. If we were required to pause and make a choice before every action, it would be a long and tiring day. Habits are automatic and energy saving. I often state that it takes no more energy for a poor habit than for a beneficial one, so we may as well develop the most beneficial habit. That is one goal of this book. Choice and patience are required as we work to build a new habit to replace an old one.

The aforementioned aphorism was prominently displayed in my home. As a youngster, I sensed its wisdom. Add many years of experience and I have come to realize, more and more, the truth in it for us all. Innumerable people set about to change in order to improve themselves. They can see clearly that their lives would proceed better if they behaved in a certain fashion - so they have been motivated to change. Then, after some initial effort to reach their goal, they fail to succeed and they quit. On the surface, these people would seem to validate the old saying “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions” - and there is commonly much self-blame and disgust with ourselves in reaction to the lack of success or perseverance with our efforts. However, my personal observations and experiences are as follows: often the person has failed not because of lack of motivation or effort; the person has failed to attain the desired goal because of: a) a lack of knowledge about what to practice in order to develop a new habit, b) a lack of knowledge about habits and the process of change and c) trying to change by “going it alone” without guidance or encouragement. I have the belief that human beings are meant to live their lives as fully as possible. This can be encouraged in our homes, in our schools and in our communities and is aided by the modeling of other people. I am sure we have all known people who, despite some handicap or disability, have determined to live their lives more fully and succeeded in doing so. I think of Rick Hansen, of all the people involved in The War Amps Movement, of Terry Fox, and the list goes on. Canada’s own Simon Whitfield, an Olympic triathlon winner, modeled for us the simple joy to be found in developing our abilities - and he persevered with regular practice - competing both for himself and for his larger community. Encouragement and guidance help as we move in the direction of fuller development of our abilities. Emerson was right when he said “I have yet to meet a person from whom I cannot learn.” I have learned and gained much from coaches and tutors. My high school coach Joe Costigan was knowledgeable and compassionate and inspired students to both individual and team effort.

Introduction “Sow a Thought, and you reap an Act. Sow an Act and you reap a Habit. Sow a Habit and you reap a Character. Sow a Character and you reap a Destiny.” - quoted by Samuel Smiles in “Life and Labor”

In my psychiatric training I can think of three particularly outstanding mentors Dr. Alex Turnbull, Dr. Francis Braceland and Dr. Bill Tillman. Dr. Turnbull encouraged me to explore beyond the traditional field of psychiatric and psychological knowledge - and there was much to be found there. Dr. Brace land modeled a combination of knowledge, experience and compassion which make for maturity and wisdom - giving living evidence that this is an attainable combination for each of us. Dr. Tillman manifested great enthusiasm for psychiatry, with a challenge to learn and grow, giving us living evidence of the part which enthusiasm plays in our growth and learning. We are often unaware of the presence and impact of habits in our lives. Habits are automatic reactions and so we often do not awaken to their presence. As we begin to practice these exercises, we begin to awaken more to the new and welcomed Habit, as well as the old maladaptive habit. For example, if we are trying to convert from a habit of protecting ourselves with “I won’t” to one of “no” we begin to catch ourselves more frequently as we slide into the old “I won’t” pattern. This gives us an opportunity to exercise choice. We can say to ourselves “waits a moment, what I really mean to say (the new response emanating from “no”) is such-and-such.” So the “no” practice not only lays the groundwork for the new response but awakens us to the old reaction when it tries to take over. We feel more in charge as we exercise choice. Human nature and self-fulfilling habits are emphasized in this book, especially those habits which make for growth and maturing. The contents of this book deal with: 1) what exercise we practice and why, 2) what to pay attention to, 3) understanding what is involved, what we will experience as we grow into a new habit, while gradually discarding the old one, and 4) the importance of getting assistance from others as we set about to acquire new habits. Most of the exercises in this book are carried out privately. This allows for fuller concentration and more enthusiastic expression, both essential to bring results. We can be less inhibited when alone, and inhibition certainly detracts from the benefits to be had from practicing new habits. Once familiar and comfortable through this private practicing, we are more able to go public and be ourselves with others. We then grow into living more fully and confidently, “being ourselves” and maturing. The specific use of our voice is central to these exercises. The more we use our voice to express ourselves, spontaneously, the more we risk being ourselves and the more we reinforce the new habit. The more we voice, the more fully we value and own who we are, the more we accept ourselves - thus integrating the new habit. In this Diagram (click to enlarge) , I depict the steps to be taken in order to live fully and confidently.

First we need to practice and practice Being and Accepting ourselves We can not accept ourselves unless we risk expressing ourselves. The more we come to accept ourselves, the more freely will we express and be ourselves. So, Being and accepting ourselves reinforce one another and form the foundation. An old friend, Doug Cockling, once told me the story of a Wise Man. “A traveler sought out the Wise Man to ask him a specific question: Wise Man! What is your opinion of such- and-such? The Wise Man’s response was simply, I don’t know. I haven’t started to talk about it yet.” Expressing ourselves vocally and honestly helps us to waken to more of ourselves. Talking turns on the lights of the subconscious and wakens us to additional thoughts, feelings and memories, which are a part of who we are and what our experience has been. Then follows the development of the habit of valuing ourselves. Whatever we experience has some relevance for us and is to be respected. Others have their own personal experiences, which likewise have relevance for them. This also needs to be respected. And we want to become enthusiastic about valuing ourselves. The act of giving voice to what we think and feel is to allow us opportunity to enthusiastically value and own who we are! The next step entails developing habits of exercising and trusting our own Judgment. Each of us has the potential to know what is best for ourselves, at any moment in time. No matter how hard others try to think and decide for us, they can not wear our boots! They can not be as awake and alive to our feelings, needs and best interest. We mature by trusting our own intuitions and judgment. Now we are already “going public” on more and more occasions. This, of itself, affords additional self-confidence because, “to say it aloud” is to risk and to own being ourselves. We experience ourselves taking charge of our lives. We take justifiable pride in expressing and being ourselves in the world. Other ingredients are required if we are to freely and confidently grow into being ourselves more and more. We need habits of Self-Protection; we need to be comfortable and effective in dealing with Anger; we need habits of Reaching Out for Help when we are overmatched by life’s demands or its adversities, or we simply want advice. I sometimes use “hollering” rather than “reaching out” to emphasize the importance of calling out for help or advice when we need it. People are ready to help one another! We can be challenged by others, put down, and cut off like the proverbial skunk at a garden party. It takes Courage to hold fast to being ourselves in the face of these things. Courage comes from habits of Self-Protection, from being comfortable and effective in dealing with Anger, from habits of Reaching Out for Help and seeking allies When needed, and from facing and dealing with what we fear.

We are now at a stage where we can have Faith in ourselves. To have faith in ourselves, in everyday terms, means being loyal to ourselves, being an ally to ourselves, taking a stand for ourselves, while daring to be different. Each of us has the capacity to have Faith in our self. Sometimes we must struggle within ourselves to mobilize this since, in everyday terms, we “fight for ourselves.” Indeed, we may find that we need to fight with ourselves in order to persevere, incorporate and give expression to many of these habits. But to remind ourselves that this work of self- development is of benefit to ourselves and others, quietness fears and gives us strength. To become as fully mature as possible, given our lifespan and circumstances, makes for a maximum amount of satisfaction and a minimum amount of frustration in living. To encourage this is the goal of these exercises. Words and phrases such as Empowerment, Taking Charge, and Living with Confidence depict the mature person. But there is one other required element, if we are to become Wise. That element is Compassion. It has been observed that we may gain experience and acquire knowledge, but unless we are possessed with compassion we never become wise! “To be what we are, to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end in life.” - Robert Louis Stevenson in “Familiar Studies of Man and Books.” This quote emphasizes the goal, the gain and the satisfaction to be found.

Exercise 1 MUSIC AND MOOD “Music has charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.” - William Congreve “Music is feeling, then; not sound.” - Wallace Stevens We want to make use of music there is several common sense, human experiences with music which we want to keep in mind and use. 1) Music is the language of feelings and our feeling state is our mood. 2) Music has been used from ancient times to promote healing of body, mind and spirit, to educate us in our feelings. 3) Certain types of music help us enter a relaxed or meditative state. In this state, our parasympathetic nervous system comes into play with its restorative and nourishing effect on our bodies and souls. 4) Music can also ‘fire’ and stir up our feelings. In ancient and modern times music has been used to arouse patriotism and to stir warriors to do battle. 5) Even more familiar is the use of music to promote loving feelings, or to arouse and excite. The list goes on! In this chapter we learn some simple, helpful, enjoyable ways to employ music. More importantly, we learn how to use music to foster spontaneous self-expression and to strengthen our capacity for self-acceptance. We also learn ways of using music to develop comfort and familiarity with our feelings. This can help us move through our painful and discomforting feelings. So, to make fuller use of music is to bring ourselves to the joys of fuller and happier living. A) GOALS AND GAINS FROM MUSICAL EXPRESSION 1. To promote habits of Spontaneity. 2. To reinforce the habits of Self-Acceptance. 3. To lift our mood 4. To identify present Feelings and become more comfortable with them. 5. To help us face and move through unpleasant or painful feelings. 6. To promote “grounding” or “centering.”

B) BASIC DETAILS OF THE EXERCISE 1) To promote habits of Spontaneity: The primary goal of this exercise is to develop ease with spontaneous, musical expression. We can hum, sing, whistle, tar- la-la, chant. We use whatever form of expression comes naturally. We may swing from one form to another, but we give spontaneous expression. We do not inhibit ourselves with fussing about hitting notes precisely. The more enthusiasm in our expression, the greater the benefit! It will help if we keep in mind that within us, at every moment in time, there is a tune, and that tune will reveal our feeling state of the moment. To word it another way: we always have feelings, which may vary from moment to moment, and which can be revealed to us through musical expression. Why? Because music is the language of feelings! Many of us begin by humming, whistling, tra-la-laing along to the music to which we are listening. And that is fine. It is important that we identify the feeling evidenced in our musical expression - and that we accept it. No judging! But listening!! Once comfortably able to sing or hum - whatever - along to music to which we listen, we eventually give expression spontaneously. We risk giving voice to our mood of the moment. When I do this, first thing in the morning, I am reminded of some machine reluctantly warming up. It may take a few trials, and some moments before I settle in on the one tune which expresses my genuine mood. But the tune is there! I cannot emphasize too much the importance of spontaneous expression, free of judging or censoring. A helpful attitude to adopt is one of “This is what I am feeling right now and that is just how it is!” 2) To reinforce habits of Self-Acceptance Self-Acceptance is the companion of Self-Affirmation, in terms of those powerful habits which allow us to mature - And to mature is to develop, and make use of, our abilities as human beings. Self-acceptance is a habit which also frees us from unwarranted self critical guilt. The key element here is to “express spontaneously and to accept.” It cannot be emphasized too much, that when we express ourselves musically we silently emphasize the attitude of “These are my feelings right now, and that is OK!” We endorse and accept what we feel. When we express ourselves, we “give ownership” to what we are experiencing!

We have the ability to accept ourselves. It is like a muscle. If we exercise acceptance, it grows stronger. The stronger our habit of self-acceptance, the more we take charge of our own lives - the more we empower ourselves to the benefit of ourselves and all who are involved in our lives. By now we can see that self-acceptance is not passive resignation. Acceptance calls for active awareness; it promotes active choice. Acceptance is also essential for trusting. Acceptance allows us to adopt an inner attitude and state of “letting go and allowing.” This is essential if we are to profit from right-brain experiences like intuition and instinct and the spiritual. Wise people have also observed: “The body does not heal until it surrenders (equals trust).” So there is much for us to gain through our self acceptance. I have had vivid personal experience with the relatedness of an attitude of trust and acceptance to surrendering and healing. When I was on staff in a tuberculosis sanitarium, two young men of the same age and with the same degree of pathology were admitted to the sanitarium. One simply accepted the fact that he was there to be helped. He went along with the treatment; his treatment proceeded uneventfully with an early discharge after healing of the area of tuberculosis. The other man had an inability to trust and accept. Whatever procedure was tried, in an effort to promote healing, he developed some kind of complication. By the time the trusting person had healed and was discharged, the other had more problems rather than fewer. I have seen this lack of trust repeatedly interfere with healing in medicine and other areas of life. Once again, wise people have observed that neither the body nor the spirit heals until it surrenders, and surrender means trust and acceptance. 3) Musical expression to lift mood Probably most of us have had the experience of deliberately playing, or listening to some piece of music to lift our mood. If we go beyond listening, and give vocal expression to the music, the mood-lifting effect is increased. If I am feeling draggy and lacking in energy, I can count on the enthusiastic musical expression of “Land of Hope and Glory” to bring me alive and into a better feeling state. We all have our own favourites. Try yours!! 4) Identify our present feelings and help us become more comfortable with our mood When learning to identify feelings through music, we can begin by listening to music that we know arouses a specific feeling within us. It is important to identify and to name the feeling stirred up by the music. By naming it, we experience it more fully. The more fully we experience it, the more we help ourselves become comfortable with that feeling. Then we continue with the musical expression, while silently remaining aware and restating to ourselves again and again the feeling state accompanying the music.

Those of us who ruminate and brood by habit can often find ourselves experiencing anxiety - with that anxiety being a great impostor! I can well recall ruminating, brooding and being in a worried and anxious state one day. Then I spontaneously began to express myself musically and, lo and behold, I discovered that I was actually in quite a happy mood. The anxiety evoked by the habit of silently thinking, ruminating and brooding, was a phony feeling. My musical expression revealed the true state of my being, in terms of feelings at that time. Most of us have a habit of being aware of what we think because we are trained in school to think. We almost always have some feeling associated with the thought. If we ask ourselves “What do I feel?”, we are more apt to awaken ourselves to our feeling of the moment. Thoughts can mislead us, in terms of our underlying feelings - thus this exercise on spontaneous musical expression. Again, we are often surprised when we identify the actual mood behind our thoughts. To repeat, “Music is the language of feeling!” Each time we awaken to a particular feeling, through musical expression, we become more familiar with that feeling. With repeated expression and increased familiarity, we become more comfortable with the feeling. The pay-off in growing more comfortable with the feeling is that we will awaken earlier to its presence. If we are awake to and aware of a feeling, we are in a position to take charge of the feeling, not so vulnerable to being taken over by it. Anger is the most troublesome of the feelings which can burst out of control. So the more comfortable we become with our anger (a very natural feeling), the quicker we are to awaken to its presence. The quicker we are to awaken, the smaller and less intense that anger is apt to be - therefore, it will be easier to manage. There is a good deal of energy with anger and for us to take charge of it, to contain it, to decide about mode and direction of expression, is to act to our advantage. 5) To Move Through unpleasant or painful feelings Our painful feeling states include anger, sorrow, anxiety and hurt. The more comfortable we become with these feelings, the more familiar, the better able we are to exercise our choice in terms of their expression. We are less apt to find these feelings taking over in an uncontained and undirected way which is always to our disadvantage. If we are angry or anxious, we can use enthusiastic and spontaneous musical expression to move those feelings through and out of our system - evident in pop music today. We probably all have some familiarity in giving direction to the expression of anger. To express it musically into the four winds is one of the safer and more effective ways of doing this.

Since anxiety is usually a signal of something not being expressed, to march into spontaneous musical expression, while paying attention to feelings and thoughts arising, is to give ourselves an opportunity to waken and take charge of what it is we are anxiously not expressing. If we want to lift ourselves from an unpleasant feeling state, we simply use our voice to express ourselves. We start where we are, with the disagreeable mood, accept it and keep on expressing. Then we usually find ourselves moving through, and out of, the unpleasant mood state and into a more agreeable one. We have not avoided the unpleasant feeling. We have gone “into and through” it, faced it and flushed it out, through musical expression. With respect to the more vulnerable moods of sorrow, longing and pain, we want to be able to allow these feelings to wash through us. So, we simply give our full attention to the feeling, as we reinforce our experience of it through musical expression. This allows us to emote (give expression to) that feeling - often with tears - and come out of the discomfort to a quiet place of detachment. We are gentle with ourselves as we softly, quietly identify painful feelings and vent them through music. “Music is the language of feelings.” 6) To promote “grounding” and “centering” For those not familiar with these terms, they refer to our being cool and objective, awake to what is happening around us and within us, while containing our feeling reactions. We are calmly aware of where our best interests lie, better able to make the best decision for ourselves while taking charge of our feelings. We can deliberately use musical expression to help ourselves become, and remain “grounded.” We do this by vocalizing, over and over again, a piece of music which promotes a sense of calm within. Oral Hershiser, the pitching sensation of the 1988 World Series provides a great example. Hershiser apparently sang between innings, when not pitching. He deliberately and vigorously sang specific music. He was able to make fuller use of his pitching abilities because that music evoked a sense of calm and strength and “grounded” him. He prevented himself from becoming distracted or anxious by deliberately and vigorously singing certain music. We can do the same. We can choose our music; express it over and over again to promote a sense of calm and strength within ourselves. And we can do it with the quiet attitude of “This is what I am feeling right now - this is my mood - and that is OK!”

Exercise 2 VOICING OF THOUGHTS “A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within — yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his — we but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents — trust thyself!” — Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self Reliance” If we are able to live our lives fully and powerfully, we do so by being ourselves - with enthusiasm. Faking it, pleasing others and stifling our true selves - these are simply a waste of our time and life. This exercise consists of stating aloud anything and everything upon which our attention or mind is focused. We state aloud spontaneously, with no judging or editing, and without questioning whether or not it makes sense. There seems to be no safer, more effective practice in “being who I am” than this voicing exercise. And our thought is not really owned or valued by ourselves until we have voiced it and heard it. It is our truth of the moment. When voicing we state and accept any and every thing! This attitude of acceptance is important to achieve the desired spontaneity and self valuing. Naturally, we do not practice this exercise in a crowd. We look for opportunities to give voice when we are alone. This makes sense because we are doing the exercise for our own ears, our own gains. We will benefit more if we adopt a curious and good- humored attitude while practicing. We practice repeatedly until we can voice for minutes on end. Remember, we state aloud any and everything upon which our attention is focused - a vocal free association or stream of consciousness. Whatever crosses our mind - thought, fantasy, feeling, memory - we say it. No censoring or editing! We want to give free expression to what we are experiencing right now because this reveals to us aspects of who we are, right now. If we want to be ourselves, there is no easier place to start than with the expression of the part of ourselves that we are aware of right now.

Does it not make sense to accept what we hear? We are simply putting words to those aspects of our self which we are conscious of right now. As we continue to voice we become aware of more and more of our thoughts, feelings and memories. So, when we voice we awaken to more of who we are right now! In his wonderful book, Your Inner Child of the Past, the late Dr. Hugh Missildine described our capacity to be our own good parent. We bring alive this capacity, this potential within ourselves as adults, by first expressing, next accepting, and finally valuing our voiced experiences. How so? Mature parents encourage their children to express themselves and to accept and value their experiences. Good parents encourage their children to value their feelings, needs and opinions - and to respect the right of others to do the same. As adults we have the experience and the ability to value ourselves - our feelings and needs, our experiences and opinions. Unless we exercise this capacity to “be our own good parent” and to accept and value ourselves, we do not mature as empowered human beings. (See the section on “acceptance” in Exercise 1.) To voice spontaneously, to accept and value, is to enjoy who we are! Look for the pleasure to be found in self expression! A) GOALS AND GAINS OF VOICING THOUGHTS 1. To promote freer, more spontaneous self-expression 2. To promote self acceptance 3. To promote objectivity 4. To “mine” the subconscious 5. To value and affirm one’s self 6. To trust one’s judgment 7. To free ourselves from obsessing and brooding 8. To vent our feelings and resolve problems 9. To promote insight and awareness Objectivity means to stand back and look at what we are doing. Stating aloud what is on our mind promotes objectivity; remaining silent promotes subjectivity. So, to gain objectivity, we state aloud what our attention is focused upon, with no censoring. Any sound alerts the nervous system. The sound of our voice wakens us to what we are expressing.

This brings into action our “listener”- our capacity to examine and reflect upon what we hear. This is what we gain when we voice and own our reactions. This experience incidentally, is basic to having some humour around our own frailties. To encourage even more objectivity, we refer to ourselves by name, or as “you.” For example, “Bill! Where did you leave those papers?” The “I” and “me” promote subjectivity, while your name and “you” promote objectivity. We voice to strengthen our objectivity, to regain lost objectivity, to see ourselves with humour. 4. “Mine” the subconscious In this book I do not differentiate between the words unconscious and subconscious. When I use subconscious I am referring to any personal data of which we are not aware: memories, feelings, thoughts, needs, and so on. Voicing promotes what we refer to as the “mining” of the subconscious: bringing into consciousness the data that resides in our subconscious - from the depths to the surface! Spontaneous, uncensored self-expression - also called free association or flow of consciousness - results in the opening of this treasure chest of data that lies within the subconscious. By bringing into awareness memories, feelings and insights, we suddenly see the picture more fully and more clearly. The more we know, the more objective we can be! This is one of the most powerful gains to be had from spontaneous voicing. I voice whenever I am troubled and unaware of the cause of my distress. For example, when anxious, I may start to walk and voice and something like this evolves: “Bill! You are feeling anxious and you do not like it. What is going on? You were looking at your bank statements. You are frustrated by Harry. You hate the anxiety. You really hate it. You let Harry frustrate you. You feel guilty about the encounter with Harry, and you are back into that pattern of taking on more than your share of responsibility for what happens. Knock it off! Mind your own business and let Harry assume responsibility for himself.” In this way, the source of our anxiety becomes apparent. What we can do about it - or are helpless to influence - is also obvious. And we are not aware of this until we voice. For many, walking and moving physically, while voicing, allows for freer and fuller mining of the subconscious.

Wim Blom - Top shelf

5. Value and affirm oneself All of our experiences have relevance for our own lives. Some have more importance than others, but all are relevant. It is all important to develop the habit of valuing our own experiences. By repeatedly valuing our experiences we will come to respect ourselves and our own truth. Each one of us is having our own experiences at any moment in time. That is how it is! We mature by developing habits of respect for our own experiences. We deserve to exercise and enjoy this capacity. There is no need to allow ourselves to be bullied by the different experience of that other person. We do not throw away our own experience out of fear that we will be different. We dare to be ourselves - as does the other person. As Thoreau said: “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” While spontaneously voicing we can, for example, consciously add, “That has value for you, Mary. It may not be Charlie’s experience, but it is yours!” Thinking is merely the preparation for being. Thinking is not being. We own a thought when we state it aloud, for our own ears. We own and value it even more fully when we risk expressing it to another. 6. Trust one’s judgment “Judge but do not be judgmental” is the goal. Rather than judging the other person, we state our reaction and we state what our own experience tells us. The word “judgment” is sometimes given a negative connotation in the modern world. We are not supposed to be “judgmental.” But to fail to exercise our own best judgment is to make ourselves really vulnerable to suffer at the hands of others. We ourselves are in the best position to know what lies in our best interest so it is important for us to sincerely listen to ourselves. To use our judgment is to assess the data from the world and to attend to our own feelings and data from our subconscious. We can better see where our own best interest lies, then make a decision and act. We are social, group- living animals, so to exercise our best interest is to take others into account. When voicing and actively accepting and valuing, we are developing objectivity and exercising our judgment. Judgment is like a muscle: the more we exercise our judgment, the stronger it becomes.

The stronger it becomes, the more promptly it comes into action. The more it comes into action, the more benefit there is for us. The more often we benefit, the more we trust our judgment. So enjoy the exercise of your ability to judge. Trusting our judgment is a necessary ingredient in taking a stand for ourselves and in developing the courage of our convictions. These habits serve us well in terms of the respect we give ourselves and gain from others. Then we are able to hold different views - to dare to differ. Only then can we live fully. If we have not learned to exercise and trust our judgment, we can be intimidated. Then we back down in the face of opposition or criticism and do not act in our own best interests. When we desert ourselves and abandon our ship, we unhappily lose respect for ourselves. It is more important to be respected than to be popular. 7. Free ourselves from obsessing and brooding Too much thinking, without vocal expression, leaves us vulnerable to patterns of brooding and obsessing. When we silently dwell upon things, we tend to go over the same matters time and time again. We lose objectivity. When this happens we give up control and fall prey to uncertainty. This opens the door to anxiety and loss of confidence. Once anxious, we tend to amplify the possibilities of disaster. Anxiety then escalates. When we brood and obsess we fall into patterns of self-criticism, worry, and guilt. These are a waste of time and energy. They are draining and incapacitating. So, we need a way to free ourselves from the clutches of habitual obsessing and brooding. We can free ourselves if we voice, then deliberately “tease and exaggerate.” That will take us into the teeth of our obsessing. The worry or self-criticism or guilt becomes ridiculous and the obsessing is interrupted. We regain our objectivity and the sense of control which comes with it. Here is an example of teasing and the use of exaggeration. I will imagine myself being obsessively self-critical. I launch into deliberate exaggeration while teasing myself: “Bill! You really botched up that piece of work! Look at the mess you’ve made! Nobody else in this office botches work like you do! Charlie, Rose, Mary, Harry - none of them can make the mistakes you make! You are the office champion! And look at all the people in your condo unit - none of them match you when it comes to making boo-boos! You are the best in the city! In the world!” On it goes, more and more exaggeration until it becomes ridiculous to our own ears. Objectivity is then regained. And the same can be applied to worrying to excess: “You are going to break a leg! There may be a flood! Your apartment house will float away! Come on! Let’s get into some big-time worries!” Again, a deliberate teasing and exaggeration until the worry becomes ridiculous and objectivity returns.

This process will need to be employed time and time again because the old habit will not die easily. But each time we tease and exaggerate, the more effective it becomes. We gain confidence that we do have a way out of obsessing. Then our life becomes simpler and more enjoyable. Teasing and exaggerating can also be fun. 8. Vent our feelings and resolve problems The use of voicing can be directed to problem solving and to the resolution of painful life experiences. When we honestly and emphatically voice whatever is on our mind, we come face-to-face with our feelings and have the opportunity to vent and resolve them. We can draw upon previously subconscious information about ourselves. We can “mine our subconscious” and have more data from which to exercise our own good judgment. We gain objectivity and see more options for ourselves. We awaken to help that we require from others. We remember those allies we have. And we can make use of the opportunity to learn and change and grow from all this. When distressed, I usually go for a walk and spontaneously start voicing. As I persevere, I succeed in venting my locked-up feelings, and I awaken to what has caused my discomfort. With more information emerging, I am better able to see what I need to accept, and what I can act upon. Sometimes, simply as a result of venting and facing the problem, it is taken care of. No action required! 9. Promote insight and awareness As we voice, we become more aware of ourselves and gain insights about ourselves, others, and our lives. It can be worthwhile to check out our awareness and insights so that we can test our experiences against those of others. This does not mean that we discard our experiences and perceptions when others do not agree. But we often gain by hearing of the experiences of others. The more information we have, the smarter we can be. We can digest the experiences of others and still exercise our own judgment. We require the ability to express ourselves openly with others if we are to have friends. Voicing our thoughts is risk-free practice in being spontaneous, open and honest with ourselves. This is rehearsal for the same openness with others. Friendly people can only be friends if we are open with them, let them see what we think and feel and need - who we are. Voicing can prepare us.

Exercise 3 ATTITUDE TOWARDS MISTAKES AND FAILURES “For he that naught n’assaieth, naught n’achieveth” (“Nothing ventured, nothing gained”) - Chaucer The only people who have never made a mistake are the people who have never tried, who have never risked involving themselves in living. By expressing ourselves openly, we discover where we stand and what we feel at this moment in time. This enables us to see who we are, what we know and do not know — if we take advantage of the feedback we receive from others as well as insights offered from our own capacity for self- observation and objectivity. We do not learn when things work out as planned. We learn when things do not work out - when our plan fails, when our expectation is not met. So, it is important to not neuter ourselves with unholy self criticism. When things go according to plan, life is smooth. When plans fail, when we make errors and mistakes, we are awakened by our pain and have opportunity to learn. Pain is the great “awakener!” Many of us lapse into wasteful self-criticism when we fail or make mistakes. Those of us who are harsh critics of ourselves tend to be severe with others - an impediment to getting along in this world! Charity begins at home. By working at overcoming our severe self-criticism, we criticize others less, and they benefit also. This Exercise is designed to help us move away from self- criticism and back to objectivity. It is designed to direct attention to what we can learn from our mistakes and failures. Then we get on with our lives - hopefully with some humor at our own lack of perfection. A) GOALS AND GAINS 1. To develop our capacity to accept and learn from our mistakes, failures and shortcomings 2. To eventually replace wasteful habits of self-blame and self-criticism 3. To grow out of the habit of criticizing others unduly 4. To promote Self Acceptance, and hopefully, a capacity to laugh at self